will it ever end?

Wow, last time I wrote was in 2011.  Much has gone on, I do not even know where to begin.
It is now November 11, 2013...that is 2 years of my life that have been like living a nightmare.
Just to give an update of what has happened...
Alexa was in jail, from there went to Creedmore Rehab in Queens...30 days.  Then came home went to out patient at Seafield...that didn't last.  My memory doesn't really recollect
everything...but she ended up in a sober house in Mastic for 6 months, and Outreach outpatient program and the drug diversion program.  She did well.
she completed everything.  She moved back home and graduated both from the drug diversion program June 2012 and outreach...Then, she relapsed along with others that had also graduated from the program, and had also lived in the sober house with her.
She was on the streets for about a week...have a picture of her where she looks like she was beat up, but she swears she fell...I will never know.  She ended up pawning a ring from a friend of hers, whose house she was staying at.  She swears she didn't steal the ring.  Somehow I do believe that story...there are many I do not believe, but she got in trouble for that.  The woman pressed charges..

Alexa went to rehab for 30 days out in Utah..Recovery Ways.  I believe she had some great experiences, but unfortunately this was for only 30 days too.
 
When she arrived home,from rehab in Utah, out patient rehab was set up with Seafield,  2 days later  September 7, 2012,  the detectives came to the door and arrested her for pawning the stolen ring.  Back to court she goes.  Fortunately or unfortunately, the drug diversion program had been completed.  If it had not she would have been in jail for a time.  We went to court once a month for a year.  During the course of the year...

  For awhile she went to rehab, felt she didn't need it, so stopped going.  Got a job, lost a job...went there on drugs...got another job didn't like it, got another job, didn't like that one either...  went to a psychiatrist, got told she was bi-polar...I do not know if I believe that, many different meds tried...
Court ordered her to do 70 hours of community service...that is where she met a new drug dealer!!   Finally court  ended...I believe they extend the time so they will stay clean.
Her last day of court and she went there using, September 2013...We were going to Tennessee after court, she was suppose to help drive.
I drove there...the help I got was the last 2 hours.  It was a nice visit with my sister and her family, but Alexa was detoxing...go figure.  Why not ruin something good in your life.
  We get back, she is starting a job!!  A decent job.. A Ford dealership in Smithtown....thats when it went from bad to worse...she couldn't account for her paychecks...so where do you think the money was going...DRUGS...of course.
   Also somewhere along the course of the year in the summer time 2013, she had become friendly with an older neighbor..Joan...who has her own issues...I know they drank together, probably popped some pills together too...I had it out with Joan...how dare she...she is a mother herself...You cannot trust anyone!!
       October 20, 2013, Alexa overdosed...My neighbor Josephine came over, we called 911.  She was brought to Stony Brook Hospital.--9pm and discharged at 7:20AM!!  Nothing!!  No talking to me, she is 23, no psych eval...no holding for 24 hours...out.
I went and got her, she insisted on going to work.  I drove her there.  They told her to go home.  She rested the rest of the day.  She went to work the rest of the week.
There was a bowling night  11/2/2013,  with the work people...she went...I picked her up.  She had been drinking.  At least she had the brains to not drive.  She went to work till Thursday 11/7/13, when she got fired.
 

waiting

Much has gone on since I last wrote to you my dear blog.  I thought things were going well, guess I was mistaken. It seems Alexa was doing well, but she relapsed, and what a doozie it was.  She stole from people she loved the most.  She got caught.  She is now in jail.She has been there since February 15, 2011.  March 22, 2011 was court day.  She has to go to inpatient rehab, so she remains in jail till they get a bed. After that she then does the diversion program, where you must follow all, I mean all their rules.  If she messes up one time, they will put her in prison upstate for 2-6 years.  If she does the program and succeeds, the charges are dropped, and she can go on with her life.  I still remain frozen in time...if you read this please pray for her recovery...

Believe

So the last few days have been good ones...but you never know when that can change.  I must remain guarded even though this feels right.  I still worry every time she walks out that door, or when I am at work...do I trust her, believe her...Is it possible that she is just taking another drug??  My instincts say no...she says no..I will believe her until she gives me reason not to.  The pull for drugs is a strong one, my little girl must be stronger.  She must want to be free from drugs, she must believe she can do it!! I am still walking around in a fog, but going forward.  This problem, our problem, her problem cannot make me lose focus of what I need to do.  so we move forward, as they say one day at a time...and I will believe that she can do it.  Stay strong my little one.  YOU CAN BEAT THIS!!

Frozen

I am numb..walking around in a blur...frozen.  Thats it..I am frozen.  How do you help someone when you know they need it but don't think they do??  How do you save them from killing themself, from ruining their life??  I cannot be around her 24 hours a day....I am exhausted...Hippa laws...privacy acts...what about protecting our children? I have no right to know how far deep into trouble she is, but I am responsible for her till she is 21, but cannot put her in a place to help her unless she wants to go...I ask how is that fair? I am her mom, and only want the best for her...I love her, from the bottom of my heart, for always and forver no matter what.

addicton

Addiction can be different things to different people. My own adiction would be food. Of course  everyone thinks of drinking, drugs, and smoking.  But addiction can also be of hoarding, excessive cleaning, gambling, and of course facebook!!  Today I am going to share a story about a girl with a drug addiction.  She is my daughter.  My youngest child.  Let me first say, yes, I am a single mom.  I was there for her growing up.  I worked nights while she was sleeping to put food on the table and pay bills.  I was there to drive her to friends or have friends over.  I was there to watch her fall in love with horses, fall off of horses and get back up on them.  I was there at 4am to go to horse shows, and walk her around with horse in tow in the heat...so where did something go wrong?? Life hasn't been easy, it has been a struggle, but we have always had each other. A family.  I don't have the answers.  I do know that it is tough to see one you love so much and want only good things to happen to, be falling so hard.  It is walking that fine line...I try to let her go, to do things on her own, but she is stumbling, and how can a mom sit by and watch?  So for tonight she is out.  I do not know where or who with.  I pray for her strength and all our love for her to pull her through, before it is to late for her.  Before she is my childhood classmate.  I pray for my strength.

Haven't seen my childhhod schoolmate...keep looking for him...have some clothes to give him.  Maybe I should make him a sandwich..we never know what will happen to us.
Take a week ago. I work at a local hospital, as an LPN.  The LPN's received a letter that we must be enrolled in an accredited RN school by January 1, 2012..or they will no longer need our services!!  And to top it off we must graduate by January 1, 2014, or we again will not be needed.  In other words we got a pink slip via mail.  So, I am going back to school.  At 52 this will be no easy feat, but I like where I work and the people I work with..maybe it is just the push I needed..after all LPN's don't make that much money.  So wish me luck...and say your prayers for me.  Thanks. I will of course keep looking for the childhood schoolmate and say my prayers for him.

living on the street 8/16/2010

Today is August 16, 2010,  Monday
We all walk a fine line of having and have not..just some of us don't realize it.  We are all just one step away from poverty and good health, hopefully you will enjoy a life free from poverty and with good health.
I went out with my daughter Alexa tonight. We drove up to Burger King, and as we did we passed this gentleman, who I have seen on numerous occassions just walking the streets.  I spoke to my daughter about him, how I thought he was homeless. You know the type, long scraggly hair and beard. Dirty looking.  I would tell you he has had on the same clothes for weeks.  He looks familiar to me..I have seen him before.  I tell my daughter this and she doesn't believe me.  I know it is him..I remember him as a child growing up with me.  We went to elementary school together, he lived around the block.  Like I said I have seen him several times, and I have always tried to look for him to give him food or money, but have always failed.until tonight.  After our trip through Burger King..he was still walking on Middle Country Road. We tried to get to him..to give him a couple of bucks..when we got close to him he went the other way.  Finally we crossed paths..my daughter was scared, scared that he would cause us harm. She wanted no part of this, she thought I was crazy. But we stopped, and rolled down the window.  I said "excuse me", he looked over and then down at the ground, and replied "me"?  I said "I want to give you this" and handed him five dollars.  I thought he was going to cry, I was going to cry..to think one of my childhood schoolmates down and out. My daughter was in awe, very happy that she did this with me.  Even though I live paycheck to paycheck....$5 I am sure meant the world to him.  As I said to my daughter, I don't know how he will spend it..maybe food maybe beer..whatever he chooses, we did something tonight for another human being. She had never noticed him before, but I am sure she will now.